You mean, forgive?!

I have heard these phrases many times: "One must forgive," "Without forgiveness, one cannot move forward," and so on. But how am I supposed to know what they mean by forgiveness? When everyone gives advice based on their own experiences, how am I supposed to know what forgiveness truly is?

Forgiveness? I don’t know how you understand that word, but for me, forgiveness would be a betrayal of myself. It would mean believing I deserved what was done to me. So I do not forgive.

Without understanding why, I used to just leave, following the voice of my heart. Later, I realized why I did that. I was leaving people alone with themselves, entrusting them to their own conscience and the God they believe in. After all, no one knows a person's sins better than they do. No one knows the extent of their deserved punishment better than they do.

To blame or to forgive?

I used to consider these two concepts as opposing each other. I even faced situations where, while trying to avoid blaming others for what had happened, I ended up blaming myself. It turns out that when I blame myself, I am also punishing myself.

"Polina" by BabakFatholahi

Babak Fatholahi is a photographer whose work I have admired since 2016. I don't know how he does it, but he is able to reflect not only beauty, but also a soul, in pictures.

to blame

Just as blaming someone else is unjust, blaming oneself is equally devoid of fairness.

If forgiveness was meant to avoid blaming others, then isn't the result of striving for it, in reality, punishing oneself?

I wonder who is familiar with the bitter taste of sabotaging oneself? It seems that the bitterness wasn’t actually sabotage, but rather an awakening.

It would be appropriate to read what I have written about deception. I learned the truths from theorists of deception, trainers of it, from villains, from those who deceive themselves... from liars.

There is something unjust in blaming someone else or oneself. And justice will not be restored until it finds its place.

For example:

• “They have no fault” – is a lie.

• “I have no fault” – is a lie.

So, who is the guilty?

It is very likely that both sides have faults or guilt. As I mentioned before, if there is a deceiver, there is also someone who is deceived. Otherwise, these things wouldn’t have happened. Here, I think, if something is corrected, it is was fault; if not, it was a sin condemned to punishment.

to forgive

I would like to start with “What forgiveness is not.”

Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is not ignoring, it is not denial. Forgiveness is not simply moving on by saying "It's over and done with." It is not making excuses with phrases like "It just seemed that way to me," "I must have misunderstood," or "There’s nothing visibly wrong." Forgiveness is not justifying others by saying "Life and circumstances forced them."…

If forgiveness were all of these things, my only conclusion would be, "I do not forgive!"

"my darling" by Brightside Art

So, what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is to recognize one's own faults and sins as much as others’, and not to turn away from their existence. It is to accept one's sins as mistakes and to try to correct them. It is to accept the scars that will remain from one’s wounds. I am afraid what they call forgiveness begins with grieving. It is not seeing in oneself either the punishment or the balm that belongs to others. Forgiveness is also in the compassion one shows to oneself and the balm applied to one’s own wounds. This is the ability to say and implement: “You can’t do this to me!” It is asking for help when you lack the strength. Forgiveness is also forgiving oneself. I believe it is about creating the world one wishes to deserve, rather than destroying the world one does not accept.

In summary, forgiveness is getting up and continuing on your own path after experiencing the pain of what has happened.

If forgiveness is this, then I am here for it!