The Two Faces of the Truth

Spotting a lie and a liar is easy. What is more difficult is revealing the truth that remains in the shadows. But what is the hidden truth? – That is the main question when leaving a deception.

Where to seek the truth?

Unfortunately, in real life, it is sometimes impossible to learn the whole truth. I believe that the point where we go wrong in seeking the truth is trying to view it from the deceiver’s perspective. I consider this as sympathising with the liar. However, if we see ourselves as supporters of the truth, why should we try to understand and feel the liar’s feelings? After all, we are not on the same side, are we?

On the other hand, trying to understand a deceiver’s perspective with the approach of "one should know their enemy well" is also a method, in essence. However, I would like to draw attention once again to the thin line between feeling empathy for the deceiver and merely trying to know them. Sometimes, the real intention behind trying to understand or get to know a deceiver might be to become a deceiver oneself, or perhaps become even a better one.

Let me emphasize again that deception is an event that can only occur with the participation of (at least) both parties. Therefore, if one of the parties does not participate, the deception will not take place. Considering that there are two ways to end deception, isn't it a longer route to avoid deception if a person focuses on another’s motivation (including, but not limited to, reasons, stimuli, biases, way of thinking, feelings, traumas, etc.), instead of focusing on their own motivation that keeps them in the deception? After all, a person has much more control over their own will than over the will of another person, doesn’t he? Or isn’t this an attempt to manipulate the deceiver under the guise of avoiding deception? For someone who wants to avoid being manipulated, this behavior is somewhat hypocritical.

"Les Amants" by Thais Varela

To stop deception vs. Overcoming the deceiver

What if it is you who is the deceiver? What if you like being in this deception as well as your partner of deception? Do you have enough courage to face it if this is the reality you should face?

We cannot stop a liar from lying. The more we supposedly expose and confront this person, expecting that they will eventually abandon their deceitful behavior, the more we deceive ourselves. In reality, this approach often ends up supporting the liar's development to a more professional level each time. Undoubtedly this also includes improving our own skills to lie. In other words, as we prolong the issue, we become a part of this "culture of lies". Recognizing the deceiver's intent to deceive and ending the deception by severing these mutual relationships is the way out of this deadlock.

The two faces

In deception, there are two faces of the truth: the deceiver's hidden motive and the deceived's hidden greed. The deceiver wants to obtain something from the other party that contradicts their will but does not disclose it. The lie lies in hiding this bias. For example, one partner might have entered the relationship solely to satisfy their sexual needs but is reluctant to express this. The other partner, on the other hand, expects being loved by him,  while she perhaps does not even love him. In reality, both sometimes reveal each other's intentions. However, there is something they cannot let go of, which is their own hidden desires (to be loved or being sexually satisfied).

In the end, both parties have hidden expectations from each other. The essential difference between the deceiver and the deceived is that one of them is active, while the other is more passive - does not act. But we know that not an action is also an action in the end, right? That is why I believe that in deception it is worth looking at both sides, regardless of who is seem as the deceiver.

So who to blame?

In deception, both parties deceive and are deceived. Some deceive the other party, while others deceive themselves.

Are both parties guilty? It is difficult to provide a clear answer. As I have mentioned in previous writings, there are external factors that can prevent the parties from avoiding deception. For example, imbalances of power, time constraints, etc. (See: 3 Factors That Facilitate Deception).

Yet if your story is about finding the guilty one, this also means you are looking for ways to justify your expected punishments. That is not a way out from the deception.

"Les Amants" by Thais Varela

The end of the game

So where is the way out? I would say that facing one's own realities is the way to break the mutual deception we have described. Sometimes, a person realizes their own hidden desire to deceive, or their mistake in expecting love from the wrong person (based on the above example), or discovers many other truths.

Because there are many ways out, what is important is the choice made by a person with willpower. For a person who has faced their own realities, it becomes much easier to decide which direction to take next. Who knows, maybe some people will even choose to keep being a deceiver even facing their hidden desires? That is what I call the choice being a deceiver.